Journal: Reactions, not Coincidental

I have to say, working on this project (or projects, 4 in total) has been quite the challenge. Often (and I mean often enough) on a deeper level. I bring something powerfully personal to the work. And, it's because of my personal experiences, education, work and practice that I bring a certain authority to the social table.  This, I believe also means a certain responsibility as well.

Making my story public, on MinnPost.com, and now needing to further tell the details of what's going on, where I'm coming from, lest anyone is mislead, or misunderstands. It sets up an enormous challenge to continue to be out there with my circumstance, that has stigma and judgement written all over it.

I need and want to start shooting videos to explain the projects, and I'm really stuck. I've always been reticent of putting myself online, so public.  But, I've worked through this kind of thing before, as a dancer and dance instructor, in front of hundreds at festivals.  

But, I've been reminding myself for months now, shooting a video would best show who I am, and what I have to offer.  I know what I need to do, and visualize how I need to do it, but still not getting it done. 

At times I've been really anxious when I think about doing the video.  More than that, the closer I get to doing it, I feel really enraged, more than frustrated.  For several days now, I can see that when I go through the process of visualizing what I want to say on the video, and have a clear mind, I then have a reaction.  This defensive reaction is clearly a old survival mechanism. 

I come from a background where I was devalued as a person, as a kid. Directly and indirectly.  I've done a great deal of powerfully deep personal work over the past 25 years. But, when this work becomes difficult, or new and unfamiliar, I'm reminded of that devaluing message. That "who do you think you are, you're nothing." It's not a metaphor, or simple thing. 

Sometimes, it really shakes my world. Like today.

Really.  What I'm most anxious about is losing all my things in storage. Especially, after someone, a medical student, has helped to pay for that storage space.  I would feel really bad to lose all my things after someone has actually spent hundreds of dollars to help me.

Uuuuugh.

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